The Gift of Regulation: Helping Children Emotionally Regulate through Relating and Reasoning
The Gift of Regulation: helping Your Child Emotionally Regulate
By Ashley Root, MA, LPCC
Part III: Relating and Reasoning
This is the final installment of the blog series on using Dr. Bruce Perry’s 3R’s—Regulate, Relate, and Reason—offer a valuable framework for helping children emotionally regulate. The final two steps are relate and reason. Remember that it is important to move through the step sequentially. You must co-regulate with your child before moving to relate or reason.
RELATE
We must relate and connect with the child through an attuned and sensitive relationship.
Physical Contact: Sometimes a gentle touch, like a hug or holding hands, can provide comfort and help the child feel more secure. Consider asking your child for consent before initiating contact.
“Would you like a hug?”
“Is it ok if I rub your back?”
“Can I hold your hand?”
Use Humor: Light-hearted humor can sometimes defuse tense situations and help shift the child's focus.
Distraction: Offer an alternative activity or topic to redirect the child's attention away from the source of their distress. Engage in an activity for a few moments where you connect with your child in a way unconnected to the activating event.
REASON
We can support the child to reflect, learn, remember, articulate and become self-assured. Remember that the reason portion of this process does not have to happen right away. It is appropriate and sometimes necessary to return to reason at another time when the child can maintain their regulation.
Offer a Listening Ear: Let the child talk about what's bothering them, and provide a non-judgmental and understanding ear. Validate their experience without minimizing or disregarding.
“It sounds like it was really frustrating when…”
“____ is such an uncomfortable emotion.”
“You felt ____ when___”.
Set Limits: Clearly and calmly communicate any boundaries or limits that need to be upheld, while also explaining the reasons behind them.
“It’s okay to feel angry, but I will not let you hit other people.”
“Saying hurtful things is not an appropriate way to express your feelings.”
Set Expectations: Clearly communicate or collaborate with your child about appropriate ways for your child to express their emotions or help themselves next time they experience a big emotion.
“Next time you feel ____ you can ___.”
“What is a better way to express ____?”
“I’m here to help you with your feelings. How can I help you when you feel____?”
In times of uncertainty and challenging moments, remember that you don't have to navigate the journey of parenting alone. We are here to offer the guidance and support you and your child need to build a foundation of emotional well-being and regulation. Our experienced counselors are dedicated to helping you navigate the complexities of parenthood, providing practical tools and strategies tailored to your unique situation.
Reach out to us at admin@wallscounselingcolorado.com or give us a call at (719) 362-0558, and let's work together to empower your child with the gift of emotional regulation for a brighter and more resilient future.
Resources:
Beacon House. (n.d.). The Three R’s:Reaching The Learning Brain. beaconhouse.org.uk. https://beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/The-Three-Rs.pdf