Empowerment: Finding your voice
“I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.”
What is the cost of dehumanizing another person? What are the unseen aspects of living within the dynamics of power and control that constrain an individual from being their most authentic self?
Being in a relationship with the dynamics of power and control can be difficult to describe. It's not always overt. You can feel it and yet it’s difficult to identify specific incidents. It’s a constant feeling that you can’t shake, knowing that something is not right.
There is a conflict because your purpose and true self cannot fully exist in the relationship. It’s a glass cage that keeps you small, it exists, but others cannot always see it. You don’t wear the marks on your body and yet there is a heavyweight of shame, confusion, pain, and disempowerment that is carried.
“Domestic Violence is a pattern of coercive behaviors used by an individual to gain and/or maintain power and control over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship.”
Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem surface because when our emotional needs are dismissed, we feel it and when we cannot safely express our needs, we repress them, and when our feelings are repressed they surface in a myriad of symptoms. We weren’t created to be tamed and caged and our bodies respond accordingly.
Domestic Violence is a pattern of coercive behaviors used by an individual to gain and/or maintain power and control over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship.
Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, religious/spiritual, verbal/nonverbal, or financial. It may start subtly and progress. It is not an anger issue, it is not an alcohol issue, it is a power and control issue. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically. It manifests in different forms; silent treatment, ignoring feelings, blaming, isolation, controlling major decisions, using gender roles, ignoring sexual needs, destroying property, gaslighting, calling someone “crazy” are all means of violence. Manifestations of Violence is a tool to identify patterns of coercive behaviors in your relationship.
What does that invisible cage sound like?
“Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.”
Sarcasm
Gaslighting
Silent Treatment
Joking at your expense
Belittling your accomplishments
Putting down your interests
Dismissing You, sometimes without a word spoken: eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing conveying the same message.
Accusing you of having anger or control issues
Accusing you of overreacting or that you lack a sense of humor
Withholding Affection
Calling you needy
Why Stay with an Abuser?-Better Question: Why Does an Abuser Abuse?
The stigma and misunderstanding of domestic violence may suggest that the victim can leave the relationship and blames the victim for staying in the relationship. It is critical to understand that victims stay for a number of reasons:
1. They may not recognize the relationship is unhealthy.
2. There are feelings of love towards their partner and hope in the relationship.
3. Fears around custody of children and economic dependence.
4. Isolation
5. Feelings of shame, religious beliefs, low self-esteem, eroded sense of self.
6. Leaving may result in increased risk.
What is the Cycle of Violence?
The cycle of violence is a pattern of coercive behaviors. It’s not usually isolated incidents, but rather a series that forms a predictable pattern. The cycle of an abusive relationship will extremely deteriorate the self-esteem and self-worth of the victim. The victim vacillates between confusion, pain, hope, fear, and shame.
Tension
Typically, the cycle begins with tension building, this is a period where the victim can “feel” the tension. Perhaps it’s the way the door is closed or a certain look or not speaking at all. It is a time when anxiety begins to increase and the victim feels like she is “walking on eggshells.”
Explosion
After the tension building stage, there is an explosion. However, it doesn’t always feel like an explosion. Abuse can be subverted or overt, the incident results in fear, pain, humiliation, and despair. It could be a push, obscenity, or an insult and joke leaving you with invisible scars.
Denial
Following the explosion, the cycle may enter the denial stage. I have heard this stage described as the victim being left with shrapnel from a bomb, there are pain and evidence, and yet its’ being minimized or you are being told that if you would have done more of this or less of that, then it wouldn’t have happened. In this place live confusion and erosion of self-identity.
Honeymoon Phase
The next phase is the honeymoon phase, which doesn’t at all need to be “honeymoon” like. It’s a period of non-abusive behavior. It may sound like apologies and promises and it may not. During this period the abuser feels in power, however, he will feel less power and when that happens, the tension will begin. The cycle is not confined by time, thus you may experience it multiple times a day, weekly or every few months.
Resources and Group
If this information resonates with you, please reach out. Here is a list of resources in our community:
Empowerment: Finding Your Voice…
Shame dies when stories are told in safe places…
Walls Counseling will be hosting a process and support group for women to share, explore, and learn about the dynamics of power and control. The group will be mediated by Jaime D’Eredita, MSW, LSW, who has specific training in domestic violence and has worked as both a therapist and advocate.
The purpose of this group is for women to experience the power of finding their voices in a safe, non-judgmental, and supportive environment. It is to provide social-connection and storytelling that provides healing and strength.